I didn't figure out that I was suicidal until my 38th birthday in 2016. I was having a chat with my friends during my palour party and I announced with joy that I had less than 20 years to live, judging by the life expectancy of an average Nigerian which is 55.7 years for women.

To my amazement, none of them wanted to die. I told them how much I look forward to dying and how I put myself in harm's way. I thought it was the norm. I didn't know that my case was "OYO" ON YOU OWN"

In 2017, I became really depressed, I cried for about several days, I couldn't help myself to stop crying, my tears flowed freely, the more I cried, the worse I felt. Thought of committing suicide flooded my mind but I couldn't go ahead with it. I had a bottle of an insecticide in my house, each time I went to the bathroom, my mind suggested using it and ending the pain but I couldn't. At this point, I had deleted my social media app. I wanted to be left alone; I wanted to enjoy my misery, but deep down in my heart, I wanted someone to reach out to me, I wanted someone to fight for me, make me feel like I deserved to be fought for but I didn't want to ask, I wanted someone to do it willingly not forced.

Two of my friends who weren't close reached out to me consistently, they noticed that I deleted my social media accounts. I think they had their suspicions. Unknown to both of them, they agreed without speaking to stay in contact with me until I become active again. A colleague also noticed that I wasn't myself so she kept close contact, always texting even after the close of business. I knew she prayed too. She's a believer. The fourth friend was shocked when he saw me, he held my hands and I cried even more. These actions assured me that I was worth fighting for. And I was strengthened.

Negativity, on the other hand, sort of provided me comfort; I enjoyed the misery; there was this inner resolve that life wasn't meant to be terrific; that happiness was an illusion, it never lasts. So when I hit ground zero, it feels like I'm in a balanced state. It was home for many years. But it kind of still hurt even when in that state..... Kind of confusing.

I could be happy this minute and the next I'm gloomy, most of the time, I can't explain it. I just want to be left alone. My family members felt I was a mean person, I also felt I was mean until I began to read and read about symptoms of depression and I clicked all the boxes. I reached out to a doctor friend and explained my observations, he affirmed that I was depressed but being a Christian, he encouraged me to pray more. So I continued with my life.

Being aware of the health challenges has really helped me to manage them better. I read a lot about it and I'm in a better place.

My bestie, the first person I opened up to on the health challenges has acknowledged that she notices that I'm a lot better emotionally, she attributed it to social media activities she doesn't know that hard work is going on in the mind 😁😁

A big thanks to the Psychiatrists for always been a call away when I need to talk about setbacks that are planning to set me back into depression.