Folake is a 34-year-old successful lawyer who is well-travelled and has a thriving career. Despite this, at every family gathering, she braces herself for the interrogation. Last Christmas, her aunt pulled her aside with concern: "We're worried about you. You're becoming too successful. Men are intimidated. You need to tone it down if you want to find a husband." Another relative suggested, "Maybe you should stop being so selective. Time is running out." Her mother cries sometimes, asking what she did wrong, that her daughter is "still single at this age."

Folake has developed severe anxiety. She avoids family events. She's seeing a therapist for depression triggered by constant feelings of failure despite professional success. She has started questioning her self-worth and wondering if she should just settle for just anyone available, even if it is against her better judgment, due to lack of compatibility. Perhaps that way, she can just get the pressure off her back.

Ifeoma was 33 years old when she married after years of family pressure. She was not happy with some red flags such as his frequent anger outbursts and heavy alcohol use but he had a good job and was from a reputable family and from her state too. The moment he sent his family to see her family (behind her back, as he knew she had reservations about him), it became a fait accompli as her family insisted that she should stop being too picky and accept him. After the wedding, he became very controlling and manipulative. He gradually alienated her from her friends and support structures. She's trapped in an emotionally abusive marriage. He controls the finances despite her high income. She's miserable, regretful, and trapped by the stigma of divorce. She regrets marrying under pressure and feels stuck in the marriage. Her family members tell her to be patient and work on her marriage. They encourage her that with patience and prayers, he can change over time.

Audu is 40 years old and has been in therapy for anxiety and depression. His family's relentless pressure for him to marry backfired, making him anxious and depressed. The constant marriage questions made marriage feel like an obligatory prison. He has begun to associate partnership with loss of freedom and autonomy instead of joy. It was not like he could just go to the supermarket and just order a bride from the shelf. His brewing hatred for marriage as another checklist in life has made him sabotage many relationships due to the fear of being coerced into marriage.

Discussion

Pressure to marry is a common cultural problem in Nigeria that has adverse consequences on people’s mental health. The opinions of an unmarried person are often disregarded, and they are considered inexperienced, regardless of their educational or career achievements. Marriage is considered a responsibility to continue the family’s lineage. The social status and honour of the family is also believed to be hinged on the marriage of the children. Religious beliefs and the fear of what people will say are other reasons families pressure their children into marriage. This pressure can have harmful consequences on young people and sometimes result in unwanted consequences.

Negative Impact of Marriage Pressure

• Damaged self-esteem: The constant pressure to marry and comparisons can result in feelings of inadequacy. With time, it can damage the person’s self-esteem.
• Family relationship strain: Marriage conversations in many families can be insensitive and persistent. This often causes conflicts and strain in the family connection.
• Depression: Seeking a life partner is extremely difficult, and the added stress of family pressure can make it worse. The person may begin to feel like a worthless failure.
• Anxiety and panic: The more people are harassed about their marital status, the more their anxiety worsens. Some people may develop social anxiety and start avoiding people. Courtships that should be fun and free interactions to assess compatibility becomes a do-or-die affair, that feels like a chore/obligation with too much riding on it. In some instances, it leads to desperation and frustration.
• Stress-related Illness: Stress can result from persistent pressure to marry. Illnesses such as high blood pressure, chronic stress, weakened immune system, sleep disorders, and digestive problems.
• Suicidal ideation: In extreme cases, some may think of ending their own life to stop the humiliations and constant pressures to marry.

Managing the Pressure

• Have an honest and compassionate conversation with your family members: Oftentimes, we assume malicious intent when there is none. Our family members may ask persistent questions out of concern for us and not to pressure us. An honest and compassionate conversation will allow you to seek support and inform them how they have been hurting you.
• Set healthy boundaries and be assertive in maintaining them
• Prioritise self-care. Your life should revolve around decisions that make you happy and comfortable.
• Do not be stampeded or coerced into wrong decisions.
• Seek professional support, if your emotional health is in jeopardy