Baba Goni's Story
Baba Goni is a 42-year-old Bank Manager who has always provided responsibly for his family. He is proud to take care of his parents, younger siblings, his wife, and three children. The younger children are in a good boarding school, while the eldest is already in a private university.
His wife is a Pharmacist and runs a successful pharmacy shop. He sometimes had a sneaky suspicion that she might actually be making more money than him — but it was not a problem. As the man of the house, he felt it was his responsibility to cater to the family, and he had always been able to do so comfortably.
Until things started going downhill.
The economic recession hit his bank hard, and the bank retrenched more than half of its non-essential staff, while management staff like himself were placed on half salary. This situation has persisted for ten months now. Unfortunately, he had just taken a loan facility two months earlier to complete his duplex along Lagos Road, GRA — after constant pressure from friends and family who mocked him for still living in a rented apartment.
His loan repayment plan took about 30% of his salary, but he was living comfortably on the remaining 70%. With his salary now reduced by half, he continued servicing the loan with 30%, leaving him with only 20% of his usual income to live on. This was grossly insufficient. He began to worry about paying bills and keeping up appearances.
Whenever his family needed anything, he would rather die than admit he didn't have the money. So, he started borrowing from friends and relatives to cover his shortfalls. Gradually, he became anxious, irritable, and depressed.
His best friend, Ali Modu, advised him to confide in his wife and re-strategize their financial expenses — she might even be able to help. But Baba Goni refused. His pride would not allow him to ask his wife for financial support. To him, that would mean losing face and being seen as less of a man.
"Lai lai," he resolved. "I will keep managing until things get better."
Discussion
A false myth has been perpetuated since men were small boys — that they have to be tough and should not cry or show emotions. Any sign of weakness was seen as proof that they were not real men. Yet, men and women are both human beings with the same brain and emotions.
Men experience the same range of emotions as women — pain, hurt, shame, rejection, loss of self-confidence, and so on. Furthermore, men also suffer from mental disorders and have a higher risk for many serious conditions. They are two to three times more likely to abuse drugs than women and are five times more likely to die by suicide.
The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) reports that the number of men who die every year from alcohol-related complications in the United States is more than twice that of women — about 62,000 men compared to 26,000 women.
Yet, there remains a lot of shame and stigma associated with men admitting they have emotional difficulties — let alone seeking help or treatment. It is therefore not surprising that men are less likely than women to seek help until things deteriorate badly, and they can no longer pretend that all is well.
Society also adds pressure by stereotyping men as always strong, stoic, and silently enduring pain without complaint — just like the heroic characters in movies and comics. Any deviation from that image is viewed as weakness or failure, something "unbecoming of a real man."
When you add the pressure of being financially responsible for a family — especially with unrealistic expectations of comfort — the stage is set for an emotional crash. Some men resort to alcohol or drugs as coping mechanisms, which only worsen their situation.
In Baba Goni's case, his wife was in a good position to help him, but his own pride and self-imposed beliefs stopped him from seeking support.
Ultimately, many men fail to take action to protect their emotional well-being and would rather suffer — and even die — in silence. It's time we begin to focus on the mental health of boys and men.
This will require unlearning harmful beliefs and relearning healthy emotional habits. One critical area where men need to improve is in communication skills — the courage to express vulnerability and seek help when needed.
Dr. Jibril Abdulmalik
Tribune Article for the column "Your Mental Health & You"
Thursday, 14th November 2024
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