Emotional Strain and Stigma Around Infertility

Tunde and Lola had been dating since their 100L days in the university. They were brilliant, witty, and fun to be with. Wherever you sighted Tunde or Lola, you could confidently wager that the other person would soon appear there too. Everyone on campus agreed they were a handsome couple who understood each other very well. They were the gold standard of a successful campus relationship, and everyone naturally expected them to get married. They did not disappoint — within a year of completing their NYSC service, they tied the knot.

Tunde had secured a job with a telecommunications company, while Lola joined a prestigious law firm. Finally, all their dreams were coming true, and God was faithful.

By the end of the first year of their marriage, Tunde's mother was becoming openly inquisitive about Lola's health. "My daughter," she would start, "How is your body doing? Any changes? Is my grandson on his way?" She would fire the questions at Lola in quick succession.

Although Lola was initially amused and would placate Mama to be patient, her emotions soon shifted — from mild irritation to embarrassment, humiliation, and impotent anger — as Mama increased the tempo of her pressure and became openly antagonistic. To Lola's amazement, even her own mother started putting pressure on her to go for prayers at various places. "Look, Lola. You are my daughter and I want the best for you. Anywhere we can find deliverance from this problem, we have to go ooo."

The couple comforted each other and promised to remain patient — especially since all the medical tests showed that nothing was wrong with either of them. But as the years rolled by — one year becoming two, then three, and four — the pressure grew into a crescendo from every quarter. "Have you heard that so-and-so just had their third baby?" "Won't you be attending their naming ceremony?"

Lola's mother compounded the problem by consistently warning her daughter that they had to "do something," otherwise she would not be safe in her marital home. The pressure began to tell on the couple, and they became irritable and short-tempered. The negative innuendoes and constant comments began to take a toll on their emotional well-being.

Lola became weepy, sad, and unsure of her place in life. She felt incomplete, especially with her mother's frequent admonitions. Tunde started drinking and keeping late nights, often returning home irritable and quarrelsome. The couple began to drift apart.

Lola became depressed, anxious, and worried. She frequently wondered where all their previous happiness had gone. Sometimes she thought it might be better to just sleep and never wake up again — to escape the constant taunts she felt helpless to counter. She felt that no one truly understood her, though everyone seemed to have an opinion or a suggestion. It was deeply frustrating.

Discussion

The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that about 80 million persons globally have difficulty achieving conception. In Nigeria, nearly 1 out of every 3 couples (30%) experience problems with achieving or carrying a pregnancy successfully to delivery.

For something so common, it is surprising that there is so much humiliation, stigma, and societal pressure on persons going through such challenges. These pressures often lead to emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, worry, suicidal thoughts (as Lola experienced), or even substance abuse (as seen with Tunde). They can also weaken marriages and put relationships under immense strain. Not many relationships survive such sustained pressure and scrutiny.

Ultimately, such pressures are unhelpful and damaging to emotional well-being. We need to support, encourage, and show tolerance to persons going through these experiences. Stop telling them what to do — they are adults who have thought about their situation too. Simply let them know that you are there for them, allow them to express themselves, and offer hope and encouragement.

Many couples with initial difficulty — especially where tests show no abnormalities — will eventually achieve success. But even where all else fails, adoption remains a beautiful alternative, allowing them to bring love and stability into a child's life.

As a society, we must realize that if you have children, it is not by your own special skill or merit. The situation could easily have been reversed. In such a case, how would you want others to treat you? The negative stigma, taunts, and humiliation often meted out to people facing infertility are cruel and unacceptable — and we must all work to put an end to it.

Dr. Jibril Abdulmalik

Tribune Article for the column "Your Mental Health & You"

Thursday, 21st November 2024

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